Reflections in Water
by stella-pegasi
Summary: Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard’s in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

Author's Notes: This story is a bit of a departure for me, more of a character study with some action and there is whump…more emotional but some physical as well. There is more 'reflection' than dialogue, so be prepared. I wrote this sometime ago and was attempting to clean up my so-called current file and found it, I had actually forgotten about it. So, I wanted it out of that file and into the completed file, so here it is.

The first chapter is really more of prologue or introduction length…quite short and each of the other chapters varies in length due to which character's point of view is being presented but I am posting in it entirety. As for the common thread that you will see in the story, it came from a prompt table I saw on LiveJournal months ago…not a challenge but the prompt made me start thinking and this is what came from it….the prompt was bathroom. Weird…I know; what one word can trigger. Anyway, I will shut up now and hope you enjoy. As always, I really like hearing from you no matter what you want to say.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

_Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain. ...Author __Unknown_

**Chapter One **

**Rodney's Mouth**

_Gate Room_

When they came through the gate, Rodney was rubbing his bruised jaw; Teyla was limping slightly and favoring her right hip, and Ronon was spotting a swollen, black eye. They had gone to Kieren, the latest planet to join the new Pegasus Coalition, to finalize a trade treaty between Atlantis and the Kieren Council. Everything had gone well and SGA-1 left the council chambers with a signed treaty and no one injured. No one, at least, until Rodney insulted a very large Kieren Councilman and the fistfight began.

Colonel Sheppard was last to exit the gate and was the only one who appeared to be unhurt. He didn't look at anyone as he quickly walked across the gate room floor wanting to get to the infirmary as soon as he could, get his post mission physical over with, and go to his quarters. He had almost gotten away when Rodney spotted him.

"Sheppard! Where the hell were you when that overgrown Neanderthal hit me? The guy decked Ronon! He threw Teyla against a wall. He could have killed me! I didn't know what I said was going…" Rodney stopped talking, as Sheppard turned toward him with a cold stare, his eyes black and his expression grim. Teyla was standing close to Rodney and she gently placed a hand on his arm. Rodney realized what he had said and stood with his mouth open, without a clue how to take it back. Sheppard continued to stare at him for few seconds, then turned quickly and continued on to the infirmary.

Their radios crackled and Woolsey's disembodied voice told them to report to the conference room for a post-mission briefing as soon as their physicals were completed. Teyla was trying to catch up with the colonel, who was striding quickly down the corridor, to see if she could calm him down. As he listened to Woolsey, she saw Sheppard tense up, his hands clench into fists, and he started walking even faster.

_Conference Room_

Ronon was leaning against the wall of the conference room, his eyes never leaving his team leader. He didn't have to look over at Teyla and McKay to know that they were watching Sheppard as well. Today was the third anniversary of a painful loss for all of them but while the three of them found the anniversary easier to deal with as time passed, for John Sheppard, the pain never seemed to lessen. In the last few days, the team had watched Sheppard as he became more and more detached from them, his mood changing from cranky, to sullen, and then to silence. It was the silence that worried them the most.

John Sheppard was staring at the wall, his face expressionless but his green eyes betraying the emotional pain that was building inside him. After asking Sheppard the same question three times without a response, Woolsey looked over at Teyla for assistance. With just a slight movement of her head from side-to-side, Woolsey understood, the debriefing was over.

Rising from his chair, Woolsey looked at each of the exhausted team members, "I realize that you are all very tired so I think we should continue this in the morning. Go get something to eat and then get some rest."

Teyla, who was sitting next to Sheppard, knew the he had not heard Woolsey. She tapped him on the shoulder and quietly said, "John, we can leave. The meeting has been adjourned until the morning."

Sheppard continued to stare at the wall for a few seconds more before he looked up at Teyla; then abruptly stood up, turned away from his teammates, and left the room. They watched Sheppard's tall, lanky form as he descended the steps in the gate room. The last glimpse they had of him was his dark, spiky hair.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

**Chapter Two**

**The Athosian Bubbles**

Teyla opened the door to her quarters and found Amelia and Torren both asleep in the big overstuffed chair that John found when they were on a trade mission. He didn't care for the stark uncomfortable furnishings that decorated the city and made it his personal mission to bring a bit of comfort to the expedition members. During one of their movie nights, Torren had claimed the chair as his own and somehow the chair left the lounge and found its way to Teyla and Kaanan's quarters.

Hearing the door, Amelia opened her eyes and smiled at Teyla. "Welcome back, how was the mission?" Teyla sat down on the Atlantian couch across from Amelia and leaned back, sighing. "Amelia, how are any of our missions? At least no one suffered any serious injuries; although we do have bruises."

"So I take it that Dr. McKay must have stepped on some toes again?"

Laughing, Teyla replied, "You are very astute; yes, Dr. McKay had an altercation with a very large Kieren Councilman. Rodney insulted him without realizing it. Let us just say, a few punches later, it was over"

Torren chose that moment to wake up. Seeing Teyla, he immediately reached out for her. Teyla rose and took her son from Amelia's arms.

"I hope he did not cause you or Miko trouble while I was away. He is becoming quite a handful."

"Oh, not at all, Teyla; he is a delight, although he misses both of you when you are gone. However, he doesn't lack for attention. The Marines were arguing over who got to play with him next this afternoon."

"Thank you so much, I never worry about him being here without his father or me. He is very fortunate to have so many who care about him."

Picking up her jacket from the back of the chair, Amelia walked toward the door. "I am off to the control room; Chuck took the first half of my shift, because he wants to leave early tomorrow to practice for the opening Grunts and Geeks basketball game. I'll let Miko know that you are back so she doesn't have to watch him this evening. Torren has had his bath and his dinner, so he is ready for bed. You look like you could use a hot bath and bed yourself."

"Again, very astute; that is exactly my plan. I appreciate you telling Miko I am back."

As the door closed, Teyla looked around the room and thought how empty it seemed without Kaanan. He was on a trade mission with Major Lorne's team and she knew how happy he was to have the opportunity to be of help to the expedition. It had only been two months since Atlantis had returned from Earth and during the time that she had been away from him, she had realized how much she missed him. Their reunion was more than she had hoped for and she was content.

As she walked into the bedroom, Torren snuggled against her, falling asleep again. Taking a blanket from the bed, she placed him into the portable playpen that Dr. Zelenka had given her when they were on Earth. Unlocking the wheels, she rolled him into the bathroom.

When they returned from the Milky Way, Teyla and Kaanan were able to move into bigger quarters and the bathroom had a very large bathtub. She had never had such a luxury before. At lunch soon after they moved in, she told Rodney about the big bathtub. His eyes lit up and she smiled as she remembered the conversation.

"You have a big bathtub? Is it in the corner like mine?"

"No, Rodney, it sits under a window looking out on the Southwest Pier."

"Sweet," Rodney said. "Mine doesn't have a view. Ummm, a nice soak in a tub of hot water and lots of bubbles; best way to relax after a tough day. Except for eating that is" as he reached for another roll, his third.

"Bubbles? What do bubbles have to do with having a bath?"

"You don't know about bubble baths?" Rodney mumbled in mid-bite of his roll.

"No, Rodney, I do not know what you mean."

"Ooh, are you in for a treat. Bubble baths are wonderful." His face lighting up with glee, he continued, "You put this nice smelling liquid soap stuff under the running water and bubbles form. It is heavenly. You have to try it!"

When Teyla returned to her quarters that evening, there was a bottle with a note tied to it sitting outside her door. The note read, _Teyla, this bottle contains bubble bath. Just turn on the faucet, pour a cap full or two under the running water and watch the bubbles form. You are going to love it. Oh yeah…this smells like lavender that grows on Earth. Rodney. _She blushed just a bit when she thought about that night; Kanaan had liked the bubbles as well.

Tonight, however, she had the bathtub all to herself and soon she was enveloped in the wonderful scent and frothy bubbles. The enjoyment didn't last long and she hadn't expected it would. Relaxing was only bringing the pain of the day back to her. The pain of remembering the day that Elizabeth had died.

They had all agreed that they lost Elizabeth Weir three years before when the beam coming from the Replicator satellite pierced the tower. Elizabeth was blown over the balcony by the force of the explosion and landed in the gate room below. When Rodney reactivated the nanites to save her, that act only kept Elizabeth with them for a short while. She was lost to them for the second time when she accompanied Sheppard, McKay and Ronon to steal a ZPM from the Replicators. They had returned alone after she sacrificed herself to save them.

John had vowed to find her but she found them first. It had only been a few short months before the frantic voyage to save Earth from the Wraith that her disembodied energy had returned to Atlantis. She brought the last of Replicators with her who soon posed a threat to Atlantis. They had lost her to the coldness of space as once again she sacrificed herself to save Atlantis. However none of this changed the fact that Elizabeth was truly lost to them the moment her head hit the gate room floor.

Teyla sunk deeper into the bathtub as memories of Elizabeth swirled in her head; their uneasy start when the city was in danger and Elizabeth did not fully trust her or her people to the close friendship that grew between them. How many times had she watched Elizabeth face down enemies or comfort the injured? Most often it was one of SGA-1 that she was worried about or had to comfort, though Colonel Sheppard always kidded Elizabeth about her serious lack of a bedside manner. Colonel Sheppard. She drew in a deep breath and wondered if she should be checking on him instead of enjoying her bubble bath. She knew he would just tell her that he was fine and that would be the end of the conversation. That fact didn't lessen her concern.

That Sheppard cared deeply about Elizabeth was no secret to her. She remembered the times she and Elizabeth would share a late night cocoa in the mess hall, watching Sheppard sitting with Rodney, verbally sparring over some movie or some silly thing. Sometimes he would look over at them and flash a crooked grin. Elizabeth was convinced his grin was for Teyla; Teyla thought his grin was for Elizabeth. The truth was they knew he cared about them both. She had spoken to John about his feelings for Elizabeth; her mind drifting to the conversation she had with him as Atlantis entered the Pegasus Galaxy, returning from Earth.

Scientist and soldier alike were happy to be returning to what they had come to know as home. She and Torren were returning to Kaanan. But one expedition member was uneasy and after all the years they had known each other, Teyla knew when John Sheppard was in pain.

Amelia and Ronon had volunteered to take care of Torren one evening and Teyla decided to go looking for John. As they got closer and closer to Pegasus, John had begun to withdraw and disappear for long periods of time. She went to Rodney and asked if he could locate John on the internal sensors.

"Teyla, do you know what is wrong with him?" Rodney's face was sad and Teyla was certain he already knew the answer.

"I believe that Colonel Sheppard is upset because the last time he traveled on Atlantis as she flew through the stars, Elizabeth died. We are returning to the same planet that we landed on after she stayed on the Replicator world. I believe that he is reliving that time and it is most difficult for him."

Rodney looked away from her, his hands trembling, "He shouldn't blame himself; he should blame me. I am the one who turned on the nanites. This is my fault and I don't know how to help him."

Teyla gently placed a hand on his shoulder and quietly said, "What happened to Elizabeth was no one's fault, Rodney. What you did was to try and help her; how can that wrong? John does not blame you. He was angry with you at the time but he knew you were only trying to save her."

"Find him and help him, Teyla. I don't know who else can."

She smiled at Rodney and wrapped her arms around him. She whispered, "I will try."

The sensors had directed her to a remote part of the city on the eastern pier. She had been part of a scout team that had ventured into the area the first year of the expedition. They had assumed that the east pier was a designated area to land Ancient ships and was where the Daedalus and Apollo landed now. There were also huge chambers that could have been manufacturing areas, warehouses, or hangers for ships. So many possibilities and so little information had been uncovered so far in the Ancient database. Her target however, was a slender thirty-story tower with a small balcony on the top floor that faced the center of the city. Rodney's scan had shown that John Sheppard was there.

Reaching the top of the narrow staircase leading up from the transporter level, Teyla took a deep breath and wondered if she was doing the right thing. Sheppard was a very private man and she did not want to intrude but she also knew that someone must. He should not be blaming himself for Elizabeth's loss. Resolved, she opened the door and walked onto the balcony and once again, felt the strangeness of the still air trapped by the shield.

Teyla had stepped out on the balcony next to the control room once before during the trip home and she had been disturbed at how it felt with only the shield between the city and cold, airless space. The air trapped inside the shield was still, none of the familiar breezes present when Atlantis floated on an ocean. Standing on this little balcony made her feel uneasy again.

"Weird, isn't it? No breeze." The low, husky voice came from her right, surprising her. As she turned, she saw Sheppard sitting against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest.

"Colonel, you startled me."

She heard a low chuckled and Sheppard replied, "Strange you'd be startled, I doubt you came out here for the view. Imagine you're looking for me."

"I am."

Stretching his long legs out in front of him, Sheppard sighed. "Teyla, go back to Torren, I'm fine."

"Torren is the one who is fine, colonel. Amelia and Ronon volunteered to watch him and the last I saw of him, he was laughing as Ronon threw him in the air. Only would I trust Ronon to do that. It is you, I am worried about." Sitting down next to him, she looked at his profile and even in the low light from the security lamps on the tower, she could see how tired and upset he looked. "John, I believe I know what is bothering you. You must not blame yourself for Elizabeth's death."

"Look, I don't need to hear all the reasons that I shouldn't feel responsible. Damn it, Teyla. I am responsible; I didn't protect her. I should have gotten the city out of the water faster; I shouldn't have let that beam hit the tower. It's my fault."

Sheppard dropped his head to his chest, taking a deep breath that sounded more like a sob; his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Teyla was unsure how to continue but knew that she must. "John, it is not anyone's fault that Elizabeth is dead. Not yours, not Rodney's, not anyone's. It was an accident, a very tragic accident. You could not know that Elizabeth would be standing in the exact spot where the beam penetrated the tower. You did not order the shields to be dropped to gain the power needed to escape the planet; Elizabeth did. Elizabeth gave the order that allowed you to save Atlantis and unfortunately, she lost her life. John, no one was to blame."

Minutes went by before John spoke. "She saved me, Teyla. I had given up, knew my career in the Air Force was over, that I would never be anything other than a major, a major screw up. I was resigned to flying VIP's around in choppers in the cold and snow for the rest of my career. It was a miracle, what happened to me; flying General O'Neill to the outpost, sitting down in a chair of all things and lighting up the sky. Who knew I had some crazy gene and that I could turn things on and off with a touch or a thought? She fought for me to come on this expedition; she fought for me to remain in command on Atlantis and be promoted. She never knew I that I found out that she made my promotion happen." His voice was filled with bitterness and regret.

"John, I…" Teyla stopped; trying to find a way to ask a question that she knew would either anger or upset him. She looked over at him again and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. She took a deep breath and asked him, "John, we all cared about Elizabeth; we all loved her as our friend, our mentor, our leader. But I have to ask you, did you love her? Is that why you cannot deal with her loss?"

She held her breath, she had felt him tense up and she was not certain if she would now see the John Sheppard that put fear into the bravest of his soldiers or his enemies. Instead, he turned to her with a slight smile on his face and then turned back to looking at Atlantis.

"Teyla, I had feelings for her but I never allowed myself to find out if it was more than simply friendship and respect. I know she cared about me as well; friendship or more, I don't know. Both of us had too much responsibility to risk ever putting our personal feelings above Atlantis. What I do know is that she was my friend; I respected her, admired her, would have given my life for her," looking back at Teyla, "or any of you. But I failed her, I failed Ford, I nearly failed you; I have failed so many since coming here. Hell, I woke the Wraith singlehandedly. I should have kept them all safe; I didn't."

She felt anger building in her and she fought hard to control it. How could they ever convince him that more would have died, maybe all of them, if he had not been with them? She rose from the balcony deck and walked the short distance to the railing, her back to Sheppard, trying to keep her temper under control but she could not.

"John, I am very tired of you thinking that you are responsible for all of the people who have died. You are not, no one person could be. You have saved more of us than you can imagine; you have tried to sacrifice yourself to save us. You have been severely injured and refused to give up, just to save us, to save me and my son."

She turned toward John, her voice calmer, "Yes, colonel, you woke the Wraith. The question is why, why did you wake the Wraith? The Wraith woke early because you came to rescue us, your men and my people, people you didn't even know; yet you chose not to let us die. Everything that you do is because you want to protect us, to keep us alive. When are you going to realize that you are not to blame for all the horrible things that have occurred since you came to Atlantis? You must not dwell on regret and not see the good things you have done, there are people all over the galaxy that are still alive because of you."

Sheppard didn't answer. He was looking out at Atlantis; the beauty of the city starship silhouetted against the stars was overwhelming. The one place he felt more at home than anywhere he had ever been. He wanted to believe her but he couldn't; he had made too many mistakes and his mistakes had cost them all too much.

When he spoke, his voice was low; Teyla could barely hear him. "Teyla, I have a lot of regrets in my life. I failed my father, I failed the military; I failed my ex-wife; I failed Sumner, Grodin, Gall, too many others to mention. I nearly failed you."

John stood up and turned toward the tower door. "The one thing I don't regret is that you and Torren are safe and will soon be with Kaanan. If I have done anything right, that's it." He walked into the tower and Teyla could hear the sound of his boots on the steps getting fainter and fainter.

A cry from Torren interrupted Teyla's reflection, as she reached out to take care of her son; she decided that she needed to find Rodney and Ronon and determine what they needed to do. They could not allow Sheppard's pain to continue.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

**Chapter 3 **

**The Hot Satedan**

After Sheppard left the conference room and Woolsey followed, Ronon, Teyla and Rodney sat for a few moments trying to think of something to say to each other. They all knew what they wanted to say but no one was willing to say it. They needed to talk about Sheppard but they couldn't.

Finally, Rodney spoke up, "Hey, we should probably listen to Woolsey and get some dinner. Anybody with me?

Teyla stood up. "I am not hungry but I am tired and I want to see my son. I think I will go to my quarters; I have some fruit there should I get hungry later. Good night." With that, Teyla left.

Ronon looked at Rodney, "Come on, McKay, let's get some food."

Dinner had been as quiet as the conference room and after leaving Rodney, Ronon was on his way to the gym after stopping by to see Amelia for a few minutes. He had planned on meeting her after her shift was over. However, she told him that she was going to end up taking the night shift as well; Liang was ill. Not ready to return to his quarters, he decided to head for the gym.

The gym was full; there were a lot of scientists as well as Marines working out. Sheppard had decided that any scientist who wanted to go off-world would have to pass a physical fitness course and he had asked Ronon to design it. Ronon chuckled as he remembered that Sheppard had felt it necessary to add that he wanted the scientists to live through the course and to keep that in mind.

Now as he stood at the door of the gym, he was proud of the scene in front of him. The new scientists that had come on board while Atlantis was on Earth had taken the course seriously. They all wanted to be able to go on missions and they had kept up their physical training even after they arrived in Pegasus. Taking a deep breath, he walked in and watched the concerned faces of scientist and Marine alike; he knew they were all wondering who was going to be his next victim.

More tired than he wanted to admit, he stayed only for an hour and a half before he decided he needed a shower. He was pretty sore from the fight earlier on Kieran and from busting some newbie Marines, each of whom thought that they were going to be the Marine that took him down. Most of them were on their way to the infirmary with minor injuries; he had gone easy on them.

Walking into his quarters, he stripped off his clothes, dropping them on the floor and headed for the bathroom to turn on the shower. He was thinking about the Marines in the gym, wondering what Sheppard was going to say when he found out some of his Marines were a 'little' injured.

Sheppard. He was worried about Sheppard and had no idea what anyone could do to help him.

Seeing steam rising above the shower enclosure, Ronon decided that the water was finally hot enough and he stepped in and closed the door. He stood for a long time letting the hot water stream over his body and trying to allow his thoughts to drift away. However, no matter how hard he tried, his thoughts never drifted far from his friend.

That Sheppard had saved his life was something that neither he nor Sheppard could deny. Why the colonel had decided to help him was still a mystery. When they first met, he had taken Sheppard and Teyla prisoner, yet they were more worried about their friend Ford than they were frightened of him. Despite the fact he had kidnapped them, Sheppard had made certain that the Wraith tracking device was removed from his back.

He had trusted the tall, lanky man from the moment they met but he could never understand why. He had vowed to never trust anyone again, yet he had allowed himself to trust this man from another galaxy. Sheppard had been there for him when his Satedan comrades had betrayed him and welcomed him back to the team after he had deserted them. When the Wraith recaptured him and took him to Sateda, Sheppard, along with Teyla, McKay and Beckett came for him. Sheppard came for him once again when his fellow Satedan, Tyre, turned him over to the Wraith. Sheppard would never let him give up and was always there for him but Sheppard wouldn't let him return that loyalty. The colonel always had to go it alone.

Ronon leaned against the wall of his shower, letting the steam more than the streaming water cover him. His thoughts wandered back to the events that had occurred on Kieran earlier in the day. McKay had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, that was a fact that no one could deny but he had not meant to create a problem on Kieran, it just happened like it always does. There was already an undercurrent of anger before McKay ever said anything. Three of the nine council members were opposed to the treaty that Teyla and Sheppard negotiated. Teyla told him the three council members wanted more concessions from the Alliance and they were quite unhappy when they left the chambers.

When the council master had invited them to share a celebratory meal at the resting house where the team had been staying, Ronon was surprised that Sheppard had agreed. It was his experience that Sheppard usually liked to get back to Atlantis once the job was done. He asked Teyla why they were staying and Teyla felt that Sheppard just didn't want to go back to Atlantis because of what day it was.

They were sitting at a large table with the entire Kieran Council when Rodney asked the question that started the fight. Ronon had glanced at Teyla and knew she also was aware that the councilman didn't take the question in the way Rodney meant. Ronon shook his head as he stepped back under the hot water, letting it pound against his sore muscles; Rodney would have to pick someone even bigger than he was to piss off. It was not often that he had to look up to someone but the councilman, whose name was Jesdain, was at least four inches taller than he was and outweighed him by probably 80 pounds.

The councilman was already angry over the treaty and he threw the first punch; the fight was on and he, Teyla, and even Rodney threw more than a few punches themselves. Sheppard never reacted; he simply sat staring out the window. Ronon didn't think Sheppard realized or even cared that his friends were fighting with a new ally. When it was over and he had landed the punch that ended the fight, he turned toward the end of the table where Sheppard had been sitting to ask why he hadn't helped them. Sheppard wasn't there; he had gotten up and left the resting house, heading for the gate. He helped Teyla and Rodney up and they followed. When they reached Atlantis, Teyla had informed Woolsey that he might want to contact the council master and apologize for their leaving so quickly. When he saw Amelia earlier, she told him that Woolsey sent Lorne's team back to Kieran this evening and he had spoken to the master on Lorne's radio.

Sheppard needed help to deal with Elizabeth's death but Ronon knew he wasn't the person capable of helping him. He was a soldier and, as a soldier, he knew that in battle people died; people that you cared about died. He knew the loss of a loved one during war all too well as he had lost the woman he loved in the war with the Wraith. He had told Sheppard about Melena and he knew that Sheppard understood his pain and what it took to get over it but Sheppard wasn't getting over Elizabeth's loss.

He missed Elizabeth as much as the rest of them did. She had been cautious when Sheppard first brought him back to Atlantis. Not that he blamed her, he had kidnapped Sheppard and Teyla and, so, she might have had a reason. Yet, she trusted Sheppard's belief that he would be a valuable addition to Atlantis and had agreed for him to stay under Sheppard's command. A command that he accepted willingly, although he had to admit he didn't want the colonel to know that at the time.

These explorers from the Milky Way galaxy never ceased to amaze him. From appearances they looked frail and soft with the exception of a few of the Marines, yet even Rodney had shown remarkable strength when the need arose. He thought them too trusting of the galaxy's inhabitants but had seen them time and time again fight when they had to fight. He respected them but most of all, he respected Sheppard.

Teyla had once told him, after he had killed a Satedan traitor named Kell in cold blood, that she might have done the same thing. Kell had sent thousands of his people to their deaths just to protect himself from the Wraith. Teyla understood why he felt he had to kill Kell but she warned him that the others, the ones from Earth, would not. He was certain that Elizabeth Weir would have thought less of him but he wondered about Sheppard.

There were times when he wanted to tell Sheppard about Kell and what he had done. He had no regrets but he was worried that maybe Sheppard wouldn't understand. His friend has a very strong sense of right and wrong and didn't care who got in the way, chain of command or not, when he knew he had to act. He was not certain if Sheppard's view of what was right would include taking justice into his own hands even when they deserved it.

Thinking back to the day Elizabeth was injured, he knew that Sheppard was devastated, yet he watched Sheppard stay in control and in command while Elizabeth lay dying. As much as he wanted her to live, Sheppard was ready to blast the nanites Rodney had reactivated to repair her because he knew it was not what she would have wanted. It didn't matter what anyone else thought; it only mattered to Sheppard what Elizabeth would have wanted.

He was also devastated at her injury and had stolen a moment when no one else was around to let her know how much he appreciated her faith in him. She let him live with them and become one of them when he never thought he would belong anywhere again.

He owed a lot to Elizabeth for the faith she had put in him but he owed even more to Sheppard. He had to find a way to help his friend ease the burden of the guilt that he kept inside. Turning off the shower, he grabbed a towel and started to dry off, deciding he would find Teyla and Rodney; they had to do something.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

**Chapter 4 **

**The Soaking Scientist**

Rodney was restless. Dinner with Ronon had been silent; Ronon never talked much and he could usually fill up the void yet he found that he didn't have anything to say either. He suspected they both were worried about Sheppard but neither could admit it. After he left the mess hall, he went to his lab to work but couldn't concentrate. Leaving the lab, he wandered around for a while; he stopped in the control room and fixed a computer problem that Amelia was having. Tired of walking aimlessly around, he decided to go to the infirmary and see Jennifer.

The infirmary was quiet as Rodney wandered through; he only saw one patient, one of his scientists, Dr. Renault, who had slipped in the shower and hit his head. The doctor who treated him had insisted that Renault stay overnight for observation but assured Rodney he would be fine. He found Jennifer reviewing a file at a desk in one of the ward areas. She smiled when she looked up and saw him approach, 'Hey, how are you?"

"OK, I…I just can't seem to find a purpose this evening; must be because you have to work tonight, Dr. Keller." He sat down on the stool next to the desk.

"Rodney, I'm flattered but I have a feeling something else is bothering you. How's your jaw?"

"Sore, but I'm fine." He rubbed lightly along the still blossoming bruise.

"Now, I know something is wrong; you sounded too much like Colonel Sheppard just then. But remember, he has the corner on the "I'm fine when he isn't" market."

"OK, I'm not fine. Sheppard's hurting and he won't talk to anyone, he won't even talk to Teyla. Ronon's less talkative than usual and I can't seem to talk to anyone without having them hit us. We're a bunch of misfits."

Jennifer laughed, "You are not misfits; you're just very complicated people who have a lot of responsibility; sometimes things close in and make it hard to cope. Rodney, you, Teyla, Ronon, and the colonel are not the only ones who are feeling sadness today. If you remember, I'm the person who came to you and brought up the nanites as a possible cure for Elizabeth. If this is anyone's fault, it's mine."

"No, you were only trying to save your patient, I knew better. I knew Sheppard would be angry and I knew Elizabeth wouldn't want what I did to her. Sheppard was right, I shouldn't have done it. This was my fault." He bent over and put his head in his hands.

Jennifer leaned over and put her hand on the back of his neck, "You know something, Rodney? We all simply wanted to keep Elizabeth with us; John wanted that, too. If there is any blame to had, we should probably all share it but our only intention was to keep her alive; we didn't want lose her."

Rodney started to reply when three Marines brought in a buddy who was in a lot of pain. Jennifer jumped up to check on her patient. With a few quick questions, she ordered blood work and told the nurses to prepare for an emergency appendectomy; she flashed a quick smile at Rodney and was off to the OR.

He sat there for a few moments then decided that he would just be in the way if he stayed and waited for her. He had been putting off going to his quarters but maybe a hot bubble bath would make him feel better. As he left the infirmary, he passed a few Marines coming in, looking a bit battered. Walking away, he thought he heard one of them mention Ronon's name; McKay smiled, so that's how Ronon deals with his frustrations.

His quarters were a mess. They had been on Kieran for three days during the negotiations and he was spending a lot of time in Jennifer's quarters, so he hadn't realized what a mess he had left. Mess…he'd left a mess alright, a different kind of mess. He was the cause of Sheppard's pain and he had no clue where to begin to fix it.

At least the bathroom was clean, he thought as he turned on the faucets and dumped in the bubble bath. Sheppard always teased him about his bubble baths but it was his way of relaxing and clearing his head. The only time that he could escape the constant barrage of people wanting answers from him. While his brain never stopped, at least, he could think about only what he wanted to while he was soaking.

He returned to the bedroom and peeled off his clothes, dropping them in the pile that had accumulated on the floor. He stood for a minute looking at the pile of clothes thinking that he really needed to clean that up but it was a passing thought. He only wanted to soak, not clean.

As he eased into the big tub filled with hot water, the bubbles rose around him and he sighed, this is worth it. Sheppard could tease him all he wanted; the colonel didn't know what he was missing.

Rodney tried to let his mind go blank for a change but it wasn't working. The hot water and soothing, fragrant bubbles were calming his body but not his mind…or was it his soul in turmoil? His own guilt, compounded by the guilt he felt for causing Sheppard's pain, was suffocating. When Jennifer came to him and told him that Elizabeth would die unless he activated the nanites, he had been reluctant to do it. He knew what the colonel would say and he knew what Elizabeth would want but he couldn't just let her die if there was a safe way to save her. He did everything he could to make certain that the nanites were safe and the Replicators wouldn't be able to locate her and in turn, Atlantis. When Jennifer told him that Elizabeth couldn't wait any longer, he turned the nanites back on.

As long as he lived, he would never forget the look that Sheppard gave him when the colonel realized what he had done. Rodney's greatest fear was that he would disappoint this man who had become his friend. He had done it once before and it took him a long time to gain back Sheppard's trust. It was then that he saw how resilient the colonel could be; when it became apparent that Elizabeth was healed, Sheppard accepted what had happened and began to deal with it. Rodney knew that Sheppard would never forget that he had caused this but Sheppard put his anger away and went on.

That his action would turn out the way it did; that he would also suggest the one thing that would save Atlantis, stealing a ZPM from the Replicator homeworld, but would cost them Elizabeth forever, never entered his mind. That she sacrificed herself to save Sheppard, Ronon, and him preyed on him since that day as it did on the colonel. Rodney wondered if Sheppard had forgiven him for that.

He often wondered if Sheppard knew how much he missed Elizabeth. Several months after the events on the Replicator world, they had another surprise involving Elizabeth. The Replicators had made flesh and bone copies of Sheppard's team and of Elizabeth. When the Elizabeth 'copy' contacted Atlantis, for a brief moment he and Sheppard both were shocked and overjoyed, that is until she explained how she and the 'other' team came to be. They had intel on the Replicator ships to give them and the two teams had met face to face but the Replicators located them. Once again, Elizabeth along with the 'other' team members sacrificed themselves to save the originals. He knew that Sheppard had always felt that he would be able to bring Elizabeth home but Elizabeth was gone again.

Rodney wasn't sure if he was more upset after they left her on the Replicator world or if he was after the copy was lost to them. It would have been great to have her back, just like it was to have Carson back, clone or not. He had believed that Sheppard had come to terms with losing Elizabeth after the 'copy' created by the Replicators was killed allowing them to escape. At least until her disembodied consciousness came to Atlantis only a few months before and the old wounds were opened again. Instead of being healed, those wounds were made worse by Elizabeth once more sacrificing herself to protect Atlantis and them. Rodney suspected that the finality of her act only increased Sheppard's pain and guilt over her loss.

Sinking further down into the bubbles, he went over the events of the day. How he had gotten them into a fight still was an enigma to him. He didn't think that he had asked anything out of line but an already angry councilman who was a lot bigger than Ronon didn't see it that way.

They were tired having been on Kieran for three days, Sheppard and Teyla negotiating the treaty details on behalf of the Pegasus Coalition Council; it was Woolsey's idea for Atlantis to participate in building the coalition. Woolsey had him working with the Kieran "scientists" who were not much more advanced than cavemen. Well, maybe they were smarter than that but not much. Sheppard had sent Ronon with him; no doubt to keep him out of trouble. Lot of good that did, trouble found him. He thought back to the events at lunch.

He and Ronon had returned to the resting house after Teyla sent word that the treaty was signed. He was anxious to get back to Atlantis and was not happy that they were staying for a meal even though the food they had been served while there was very good.

"Sheppard, why do we have to have another meal with these people? Don't you know the old adage, 'after three days both fish and guests begin to smell'?"

Sheppard had only glared at him and proceeded to walk into the dining hall. He just stood there until Ronon pushed him through the door.

"Dr. McKay, Specialist Dex, welcome; we have much to celebrate." The Master Councilman was directing them to sit at the large table in the center of the room. The Kierans were very formal and had insisted on using titles when referring to each of them; Rodney remembered that Ronon just grunted when Sheppard had introduced him as 'specialist'.

They sat down and immediately their goblets were being filled with a fruity alcoholic beverage called masut. The beverage packed a powerful punch and Rodney watched as Sheppard down his drink in a matter of seconds. He caught Teyla's eye and she nodded that she had also seen the colonel. She leaned over to Ronon who had taken the chair next to her and whispered something to him; from that point on, Ronon kept an eye on their commander.

The master stood up and raised his goblet, "I offer a toast to our new friends and more importantly our new allies, the members of the Pegasus Coalition. May this association bring value to us all."

Sheppard motioned to the server to refill his glass and downed it again as the others took a sip of theirs.

The table was soon laden with a large variety of foods for them to choose from. Rodney remembered the bread and how delicious it was, he could almost taste it even while sitting in his hot bath. He had decided if he had to be there then he would enjoy the food and had piled his plate full of the various meats and vegetables. While they enjoyed their food, the Kierans shared stories of the days when they hid from the Wraith in the tunnels below the city. Teyla carried the conversation for the Atlantian's; Sheppard was continuing to drink the masut with Ronon watching him. The discussion soon turned to the treaty; one of the Kieran councilmen who had been unhappy with the details of the treaty decided to voice his anger.

"Master, I fail to see why you feel that we have new allies simply because of this treaty. I see only a treaty which does not bring as much to Kieran as it does to the so-called 'allies'."

As he sat in the bath staring at the tile wall across from him, Rodney knew he should have kept his mouth shut. But he had been to the farms owned by Jesdain, the large councilman who has expressed his anger and he knew that there was an overabundance of vegetables being harvested. According to Teyla, they had come to terms on an average harvest amount to expect each year that the coalition would take and that Atlantis offered to take this year's extra produce in exchange for medical and building supplies. It only made sense, as the over-harvest would have rotted in the fields. So he spoke up; maybe if he hadn't said anything, they wouldn't have had the fight.

"Councilman, you own the big produce farms on the north side of the town, correct?"

Jesdain nodded, "Yes, doctor, I do but what does that have to do with the fact that this treaty gives large amounts of our food in trade for items I am not convinced that we need. Our healers do quite well without your medicines, we have no need for food, and we produce our own tools, so where is the good for us?"

Rodney remembered the sneer on the councilman's large face as he tried to stare him down. Then Rodney uttered the words that got them into trouble.

"Well, from the looks of it, don't you think you could do without some of that food?"

He had looked down at his plate, taking another bite of food and when he looked back at the councilman, he saw that Jesdain was on his feet; with fists clenched, he was starting to move around the table toward Rodney. Rodney jumped up from his chair and had looked over at Sheppard, expecting Sheppard to already be on his feet. But Sheppard was looking out the window and drinking masut as if he didn't realize what was happening.

Ronon grabbed the councilman trying to keep him from reaching Rodney, getting a fist in his face for his efforts. Teyla jumped up and also tried to keep the man from getting to him. At that point, Jesdain took Teyla by the shoulders and threw her behind him, into the wall. Ronon grabbed the large man and hit him in the jaw; Jesdain barely staggered from the blow. He came back at Ronon, hitting him in the face and knocking him on his backside. Teyla was just getting up from the floor and Rodney had run around the table to help her. He had just about reached her when Jesdain turned from Ronon and spotted him.

Rodney raised a hand from the warm water and touched the bruise on his jaw. Just thinking about the punch that he took was enough to make it hurt as it did when big fist connected with his jaw. He had fallen backwards but someone caught him and pushed him back up. The councilman had started to turn back to take care of Ronon when Teyla caught him by surprise by hitting him in the chest and then on the left leg with chair leg that had been broken off when Ronon fell on it. Jesdain fell to his right knee and Rodney hit him with a narrow wooden bread platter that he grabbed from the table. The blow stunned the Kieran momentarily giving Ronon enough time to land the last punch which knocked Jesdain out; he fell to the floor at Rodney's feet.

Rodney remembered the silence that settled over the room as Jesdain fell to the floor. Teyla had quickly recovered and spoke to the master.

"Master, we apologize for any misunderstanding, but we had to defend ourselves."

Rodney spoke up and said, "I think he took my comment personally. I only meant that I had seen his produce farms and the harvest is going to be extremely abundant; I knew he would have more than enough to share. I wasn't trying to insult him; I just chose my words badly. Look, I'm sorry."

The master looked at the Atlantians and gave them a tenuous smile. "Jesdain is very vain and very conscious of his size. Dr. McKay, I am certain that you did not mean to insult him. He was already angry at me and I believe he was just looking for a reason to pick a fight." The master turned to the other councilmen and requested they get Jesdain out of the dining hall.

Ronon was the first to realize that Sheppard wasn't in the dining hall. Taking Teyla by the arm, Ronon motioned for Rodney to come with them. As he grabbed his backpack, he heard one of the servers tell Teyla that 'he said to meet him at the gate'; he ran after his teammates.

Rodney ducked under the water and came up with bubbles all over his face; he brushed them off and thought, if only he could brush off his guilt that easily it would be really nice. He still didn't understand why Sheppard had not joined them in the fight and he was getting angry. Damn it, Teyla was thrown against a wall; if Sheppard hadn't worried about him or Ronon, surely he would want to defend Teyla and keep her safe.

"What the hell is wrong with Sheppard?" Rodney slapped the water, sending bubbles all over the tile wall.

He was very frustrated but he knew the answer to his own question; Sheppard was still grieving for Elizabeth. Or maybe he's grieving for himself, Rodney thought; he couldn't save Elizabeth and he has never forgiven himself.

"Mr. Macho Military; Mr. I could have been MENSA; Mr. Prankster; Colonel Protector…" Rodney was now yelling at the ceiling. "You don't get it do you; you're why the rest of us are alive, you, your freaky hair, your stubbornness, your never leave anyone behind mantra…you are the only reason we are alive…what the hell are we going to do with you?"

Rodney sank back in the tub and sighed deeply; he knew that getting emotional was not going to help John Sheppard but he was emotional about this man. Rodney knew he was an egotistical, self-serving, brilliant man with little social skills who joined the Atlantis expedition with only his success in mind. He had this wonderful scenario playing in his head; they would find the great lost city of Atlantis and he would make the most magnificent discoveries. He envisioned all of his colleagues who were already jealous of his brilliance would cower at his feet for his achievements. He laughed and whispered to himself, "What a crock…you really are a piece of work, McKay."

The truth was he had learned that other people mattered, that a tall, lanky, laid-back flyboy with crazy hair and an annoying way of not being bothered by the caustic personality of the chief scientist on Atlantis could make him a better person. He had never relied on or trusted anyone before but now he wasn't certain that he could survive without John Sheppard. He might continue if Sheppard was no longer around but only because of what Sheppard had shown him. Sheppard had made him realize that he wasn't as big a coward as he thought he was; that he could be relied on in tough times, and not just because of his smarts but because of his bravery.

"Brave, who would have ever used that word to describe me?" Rodney asked the walls.

He thought back to a couple of years ago when he and his sister, Jeannie had been kidnapped by Henry Wallace, head of Devin Industries. Wallace wanted their help in curing his daughter's fatal illness by using nanites and had infected Jeannie with the microscopic robots to ensure his cooperation. Despite their best efforts, Wallace's daughter died and Jeannie was in grave danger. He had needed help from the Wraith, 'Todd', to correct the nanite programming but Todd was too weak from not feeding to help.

Sheppard created the circumstances that made it possible for Jeanie to be cured. He had presented the facts about Jeanie's zero chance of recovery to Wallace and had been able to get Wallace to sacrifice himself to Todd, providing the Wraith with the strength to finish the programming. When Rodney had walked in the lab Todd was using and realized that Wallace was dead and Todd was healthy, Sheppard was there. Again, he would never forget the expression on Sheppard's face as the body bag carrying Wallace was taken from the lab; it was burned into his memory.

He sucked in a breath; still not believing what had happened. He knew Sheppard well enough to know that the colonel had given up a bit of his soul to save Jeannie. While he was aware that Sheppard made this happen because he genuinely cared for Jeannie, he also knew that the pigheaded, stubborn man had done it for him. When he tried to talk to Sheppard about it later, he didn't get very far. Sheppard would only say that Wallace was the one who suggested he sacrifice himself; he didn't feel he had anything to live for with both his wife and daughter dead. Sheppard claimed to have only provided the opportunity.

What could he ever do to let Sheppard know that his friendship was more important than any accolades from the science world or any great discoveries that he might make? He knew that that was a conversation that he and Sheppard would never have. He could only show Sheppard that he would always be there for him.

To be there for him; the most important thing he could do. And that meant now, now when his friend was so distraught over Elizabeth's death. He had to do something, they had to do something. Rodney stepped out of the bathtub and began to dry off. He was going to find Teyla and Ronon. They had to help their friend.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

**Chapter Five **

**The Cold Colonel**

Finally, he could escape. The conference room was oppressive and the walls were closing in on him. He heard the others talking but he couldn't remember anything being discussed in the room. It took him a few seconds to realize that Teyla was telling him that the meeting was over and something about tomorrow morning. He remembered looking at her, her face full of concern, but he just wanted to leave.

Sheppard left them as quickly as he could, racing down the gate room stairs and to the transporter. He heard someone call his name but he entered the transporter without looking around. The corridor leading to his quarters was deserted and he slipped through the door to his private sanctum, leaning against the inside of the door trying to get his breath.

He could feel the hum of Atlantis vibrating through his body and he felt as though every nerve ending was on fire. It was as if Atlantis blamed him as well and was trying to make him suffer. He pulled away from the door as if he was fighting something sticky holding him there and he stumbled across the room to the small refrigerator under a counter and grabbed a beer. The buzz he got from the masut had worn off and he was wanted the numbness that accompanied a buzz.

Sitting the beer can on the table next to his bed; he took off his boots and black BDU shirt and stretched out as best he could on the short Atlantian bed. His head was spinning out of control, not from the alcohol but from the pain. He sat up and took a huge swig from his beer and then flopped back down.

He didn't want to think, that's why he loved the masut; that stuff kicked a powerful punch. He started muttering, "You should have picked up a couple of bottles of that stuff before you gated back. Then you wouldn't be feeling anything."

"So, Sheppard, you truly are a piece of work. Some brave guy you are; can't even do a good job of getting drunk to keep from feeling sorry for yourself."

He allowed his mind to wander to his childhood, remembering the last time he saw his mother, the beautiful Giselle Sheppard. It was summer and he was eight years old; his bother Dave was older and spent a lot of time with their father so most of that summer he had his mother all to himself. That morning his mother had been helping him make a kite they could fly when they visited the shore on the weekends. They were in the sun room with all the kite materials lying on the floor; they had laughed and she had explained to him why kites were shaped they way they were and why they flew. He was fascinated with airplanes and she knew even then, he wanted to fly. His mother had just cut some string when she got a funny look on her face, grabbed his arm and fell over.

He had run to the kitchen to get Miss Gilly, the cook and his mother's friend. She was pouring a cup of coffee for Harold, the stable manager when he ran in yelling that something was wrong with his mom. Miss Gilly made him stay with Harold while she went to check on his mother, when she returned he remembered how pale Miss Gilly was as she shook her head back and forth at Harold. He grabbed the phone to make a call and Miss Gilly had hugged him as if she didn't want to let go. He kept asking her if his mom was ok and she wouldn't answer but he knew.

He never saw his mother again; she had died instantly from a massive brain aneurysm. Miss Gilly had taken him to his room and had stayed with him while the police and ambulance came. He had seen his father's big car pull up but his father never came to comfort him. He wanted to see her before they took her away but Miss Gilly wouldn't allow him to go downstairs. He never got to say goodbye to her. The next day his mother's sister had come from New Orleans and she stayed with him most of the time. He kept asking for his dad but his aunt just kept telling him to be patient, his father would come to him but he never did.

Patrick Sheppard was grief stricken and had ordered that his mother's casket was to be closed. The fact was Patrick couldn't bear to look at the body of his wife or at his youngest son. John didn't understand why his father turned from him; that with his dark hair and green eyes, he looked exactly like his mother and the resemblance caused his father too much pain. Standing in the hot sun at the cemetery after the funeral, he remembered that his aunt and Miss Gilly had stayed by his side. Dave never left their father's side and his father never looked at him during the entire service; from that moment on, John Sheppard was alone.

The last time he saw his father was a brief visit shortly after his divorce from Nancy. He father was angry; he had introduced them and had finally thought that John would get over his juvenile fascination with flying, leave the Air Force, and come to work in the family's business. Now, in his father's eyes, he was the only reason that the marriage failed.

Patrick Sheppard never considered the fact that Nancy and not his son, could have been at fault. He told Nancy he would be called away on missions at a moment's notice and that he couldn't tell her what he was doing or where he going or how long he would be gone. She married him anyway but even knowing, she had begun to resent his absences and the silence. She left him because she couldn't cope with the chasm that developed between them but his father blamed him as he always did.

Maybe he was to blame; what kind of fool would walk away from a smart, beautiful woman like Nancy? Oh yeah, he thought, she had walked away from him but he knew the truth, he'd pushed her away. He had come to realize that he hadn't loved her the way he should have or he would have been more sensitive to what she needed; maybe he just had forgotten how to share himself with anyone.

The last conversation he had with his father was heated to say the least. His father called him a loser, hiding behind the Air Force so he didn't have to do any real work and not even succeeding at that. Continuing, his father chided him regarding the Article 15 on his record and his station assignment at McMurdo, the graveyard for disgraced pilots. How his father knew about his situation, he had never found out. His old man was well connected and probably could just pick up the phone and find out anything he needed or wanted to know.

He had yelled back at his father, about how he was never there for him as he grew up, that he blamed his own son for his mother's death, that all he cared about was money and image. He had looked at his father with contempt telling him, 'I am not that shallow, dad, but you are.' His father had told him how disappointed he was in him and to leave, he and Dave didn't need him. Sheppard walked away leaving his father standing in the living room and he never looked back. In less than two years, he was on Atlantis never expecting to be back on Earth again.

But he did return and the next time he was in that house was when he returned to Maryland for his father's funeral. He had wanted to believe Dave when he told him that his father regretted what had been said between them but he couldn't. Even though his relationship with his brother had improved, he would never believe that his father would forgive him. Too many horrible things had been said by both of them for him to ever believe his father would harbor regrets. He wasn't certain he could ever regret what had been said.

Damn, screwing up one galaxy wasn't enough; he had to come to Pegasus and screw this one up as well. He sat up to take another long drink from his beer. He began to talk out loud, "What did you do on your first 24 hours on Atlantis, kill your commanding officer and wake up a deadly race of creatures that proceeded to kill thousands and thousands of people."

Thousands and thousands of people dead, "Way to make new friends, John," he muttered. His head was pounding from the hangover that was beginning to kick his butt. He stood up intending to go to the bathroom but stumbled over one of his boots, which he kicked out of the way. The release of kicking something felt so good that he kicked the other boot and then the chair, then he threw a book, then the small lamp that sat on the small table by his bed. With each item he threw, with each chair he pushed over, with each scream, his rage seemed to increase and he couldn't stop.

When he turned his golf clubs over the thin rods spilled across the floor; grabbing one, he proceeded to rain blow after blow on everything within his reach. He spared nothing; he struck the column that stood in the center of his quarters, the dresser, his bed, the window which didn't break but brought the drapes down, tangled around the club. He threw the club as hard as he could across the room and sank to the floor behind the bed, curling himself into ball, lying on his side. It was then that the tears replaced the rage.

He wasn't certain how long he lay on the floor with his body coiled like a spring. Finally spent from the tears, he pulled himself up and collapsed on the bed. He felt numb and maybe that was why he could bring the memories that hurt the most to his consciousness. Faces flashed through his mind so quickly that he was having difficulty keeping up. They spun out of control until only one face was in filling his mind, Elizabeth's.

Images of her running toward the chair in Antarctica with a stunned and then incredulous look on her face floated across his vision. He remembered how confused he had felt as all these people who he had never seen before rushed toward him. His first meeting with Rodney was with a Rodney who started giving him instructions to think this and think that, all the while making it very clear he was annoyed that a dumb jet jockey was able to do things he couldn't do. They had kept him there for hours, asking him to call up one image after another. It was during a rare break that Elizabeth came to talk to him about joining the Atlantis expedition.

He had found his way to the canteen, desperate for a cup of coffee to ease his headache, and had just sat down at a table when she sat down across from him. She told him about the stargate, the SGC, Atlantis, and she asked him to join the expedition. He had remained in the canteen for more than hour after she left overwhelmed by the things she had told him. He may have flipped a coin a few times but in the end, he had decided to go, there was nothing left for him on Earth but chopper flights above a cold landscape. That decision had changed his life.

He thought he was done with the tears but he welled up again as he thought of all the things that had happened since they first set foot on Atlantis. He knew there would be danger, which he was prepared for but he never thought that he would be on Atlantis without Elizabeth.

Teyla had asked him on the journey from Earth back to the Pegasus galaxy if he had loved Elizabeth. He had asked himself that same question many times before Elizabeth died and after she was gone but he knew that if he had to ask whether he loved her or not, then he had his answer. He loved Elizabeth but as a friend and a mentor. She believed in him, trusted him when maybe she shouldn't have, gave him the opportunity to save his career, and defended him against those who thought he would never become a good officer. She had given him his life back but he had taken hers.

Since Teyla had confronted him, he had thought about her words; they had floated over and over in his head. Elizabeth made the call to drop the shields to give him more power to launch Atlantis; it wasn't his fault that they didn't have enough power. The fact that the laser beam from the Replicator bored through the asteroid quicker than they had hoped was something else he couldn't help, so why couldn't he make himself admit that Elizabeth's death wasn't his fault. He was finding it difficult to challenged Teyla's logic but he was pretty sure it was the alcohol that was keeping him from coming up with reasons he should be feeling guilty. Was Teyla right? The one thing he couldn't control was where Elizabeth was standing when the beam struck the tower; she was right, that piece he couldn't control.

"Damn it, Sheppard, you should have protected her, you should have been stronger, you should have been able to get Atlantis out of the water if you only knew how to control that damn gene better." Curling up on his side, he began to pound his pillow with his fist; tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He felt helpless, not sure what he should do or what he should think or who to turn to for help. He'd never turned to anyone for help; never thought anyone would care.

Slowly he rolled over on his back; he stretched his legs and stared up at the ceiling. Teyla. He could talk to her but it didn't seem like the right thing to do anymore. Things weren't the same now that she was with Kanaan. He was having difficulty adjusting to the change in their relationship. When she had asked him if he had been in love with Elizabeth, he had wondered what her reaction would have been if he had told her that he was never certain if he was in love with Elizabeth because he was never certain that he wasn't in love with her.

Ronon had once alluded to the possibility of he and Teyla being together and he had considered it for a minute, then dismissed it. Later that same night, alone in the dark trying to deal with Carson's death, he had wondered if maybe he needed Teyla after all. But he never acted on his feelings for Teyla or Elizabeth and in the end, the choices were taken away from him; Elizabeth was gone and Teyla had chosen Kanaan. He was alone, as he had been after his mother died.

He raised his arm and covered his eyes, "You have certainly made another mess of things haven't you. Your team gets in a fight today and you did nothing. What the hell is wrong with you?" His head was pounding and he wanted to take a shower or get drunker, he couldn't decide.

An apology was due to his teammates for his behavior on Kieren; he had made a total ass of himself, sitting at the table drinking masut while Ronon, Teyla and Rodney fought that monster of a man. Then he had simply walked out, waiting at the gate for them. Some leader he turned out to be, leaving his team because he couldn't deal with his feelings. How could he face them after what he had done, having left them to deal with the problem without him? He laughed at that thought; it wasn't like they would blame him for anything he did right now. No, his teammates would be concerned, sympathetic, understanding, by his side no matter what idiotic behavior he exhibited.

Teyla would be calming, soothing, telling him that he shouldn't blame himself for Elizabeth's death. She had said all that to him many, many times before and knowing Teyla's patience level, she would continue to say the exact same thing to him over and over. She had been an anchor for his team, a voice of reason when things turned dire, never afraid to challenge him when she thought he was wrong. He had learned to listen to her instincts and had become a better leader by realizing that force was not always the right course to take.

He trusted her with his life and felt she was the only person that he could let his guard down around to whatever extent he ever could open up with anyone. He supposed that was why he had such conflicting feelings about her since they met. She was beautiful, with a smile that lit up the universe; her loyalty, passion for life even with the treat of the Wraith weighing on her people, her belief in him had made her a part of his soul. Yet he could never bring himself to take the next step and find out if he cared for her more than he would allow himself to believe. When she was gone, he feared for her and her baby and would have sacrificed his life to bring her home. But he brought her home to Kanaan and that was how it was to be.

He had walked out on Rodney today. He had never deserted Rodney before and still couldn't fathom why he behaved that way. He had developed 'friendships' before but never one with a more unlikely character than Dr. Rodney McKay. High strung, high maintenance, unsure of himself yet arrogant to a fault, mischievous, and deadly serious, quite a line-up of traits to be possessed by one man. Yet, there was more to McKay, he was as loyal as Teyla, maybe not as fearless as Ronon but certainly as brave when he needed to be. His brilliance had saved their hides more times than he could count; maybe more times than he would admit. He relished in needling the scientist to the point that Rodney would start calling him a flyboy and go off muttering to himself. He knew Rodney enjoyed their verbal sparring as much as he did. He had never had a better friend.

Sheppard sighed as he thought about the big Satendan that had become such a part of his life. From the beginning, he had never doubted that Ronon Dex was going to be his friend. He was intrigued by the life the Wraith had forced him to endure as a runner, a prey for their sport. How had this man who had lost everything when the Wraith decimated Sateda survive such an ordeal? Yet he did; he was the bravest man that Sheppard had ever met and his devotion to Atlantis, through tested on a few occasions, had never waivered. He knew that Ronon had to have trusted him from their first encounter; the big guy had kidnapped Teyla and him but he had never been in fear of him. He had promised to have the tracking device removed from his back and bless Carson, scared as always but never letting him down, freed Ronon from his bizarre captivity.

He smiled as he remembered Elizabeth's hesitation about allowing Ronon to stay on Atlantis but in the end, she had trusted his judgment. He couldn't tell her the real reason that he felt such kinship with Ronon, although she may have understood, he just couldn't verbalize it to anyone. Ronon and he shared a common trait; they were alone. Ronon lost his family, his loved ones to the Wraith and he had lost the same things but to his father's desire to control his life. They both had no where to call home. The one thing that Ronon did that he hadn't was Ronon endured his trials with determination and pride. Him? He had simply hid in the cockpit of whatever aircraft he was allowed to fly and had found a way to screw that up as well.

So why did these people feel such loyalty to him? He didn't understand; he did what he had to do, what he thought was the right thing to do in his mind even if it didn't always mesh with what others thought. Yet his team was unwavering in their support. He knew he didn't deserve it but he appreciated it; treasured it.

As he rose upright intending on getting up for something to drink, water this time, he realized how dizzy he was. Holding his head in his hands, he sat on the edge of the bed and felt the memories of Elizabeth flood his mind again.

The pain that seized his heart was unbearable and he fought to dampen it, push it aside. He tried to concentrate on what Teyla had told him; that her death wasn't his fault. Visions of her flooded his mind; seeing her on the monitor after surgery, Jennifer telling him how grave her condition was; the fear in Rodney's eyes when he told him that he turned on the nanites; then seeing her sitting up, completely whole again. He knew the risk they were taking with the nanites but they had her back, only to lose her again on the Replicator planet. He knew that Rodney felt as if her loss was his mistake, he should have let her die naturally and never turned on the nanites.

Then she reappeared on their monitor, looking healthy but she was a human replication of the original and they lost her once more. Then her disembodied energy came to Atlantis and for a brief time, he felt a glimmer of hope that she could come back to them. But it wasn't to be; none of those chances made a difference. Elizabeth was gone and life had to continue.

Was that what he was really doing? Was he putting his life on hold because he didn't want to go on without Elizabeth? Or was he grieving for his lost chances with Elizabeth or Teyla or Nancy, maybe even his father or never seeing his mother to say goodbye. Was he hiding behind all these excuses to not face up to the fact that only one person could make a difference in his life and that was him? Maybe it was time to stop running away. Maybe he needed to talk to his team, to accept that they all felt guilty about losing her. Maybe it was time for him to move ahead and not let guilt the guilt of Elizabeth's loss consume him.

He stood up, shakily, and made his way to the small refrigerator to get a bottle of water. Leaning against the counter, he drank the water down quickly and decided maybe he needed a shower. He made his way to the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, he shook his head and muttered, "You look like shit, Sheppard." Opening the door to the large shower, he reached in and had barely turned the faucet on when another wave of dizziness overcame him and he lost his balance. He reached for a small ceramic shelf located inside the shower to steady himself but the momentum of his weight pulled the shelf off the wall.

He fell onto the shower floor, hitting his head and losing consciousness. A sharp edge of the broken shelf slid across his left arm leaving a long cut along the inside of his wrist. Mixed with the cold water streaming down the drain was a rivulet of red blood.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Reflections in Water**

**Author: **stella_pegasi

**Rating: **K+

**Word Count: **

**Spoilers: **It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

**Warnings:** Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

**Characters:** John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

**Summary:** Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

**Reflections in Water**

_By stella_pegasi_

**Chapter Six**

**The Warm Rain**

Teyla called Miko to watch Torren and after talking with her for a few minutes, she passed her hand across the door sensor to leave. As the door opened, she came face to face with Rodney.

"Oh…Teyla, I was just coming to see you." Rodney looked nervously at her.

"Rodney, I was just coming to find you and Ronon. We must do something about the colonel."

"Yeah…yeah…that's why I am here. We can't let this go on, Teyla. It's not fair, I had a part in what happened to Elizabeth and Jennifer says she's partly to blame as well. She came to me about the nanites. That stubborn, mule-headed…" Rodney stopped, looking at Teyla with pleading eyes.

"We will help him, Rodney. We must get Ronon and then we will go to John." She slipped her hand in the bend of Rodney's arm and tapped her com but Ronon did not answer. She then contacted Amelia to find out where he might be; Amelia thought he was probably in his quarters this late. Teyla and Rodney headed toward the level where Ronon's quarters were located but he caught up with them first.

"We were just coming to get you," Teyla said smiling, "but I believe you also decided that we must see to the colonel."

"Yeah, can't go on like this."

"We agree; let us go see about our friend."

They headed for the corridor on the other side of the building where Sheppard's quarters were located. When they got there, Rodney tried to contact Sheppard on his com but there was no answer.

"Do you think he might have gone somewhere else, maybe on a run?" Ronon asked his teammates.

"I do not think that he would leave; he did not appear to want to talk to anyone." Teyla pressed the chime to see if John would come to the door; they waited, he did not.

Rodney called Amelia, "Check sensors and see if Colonel Sheppard is in his quarters." Waiting for a few seconds, Rodney acknowledged, "Thanks." Turning to Ronon and Teyla, he said, "He's there; we have to break in. Amelia says he's in the shower area and isn't moving."

Rodney manipulated the crystals in the door mechanism and when the door opened all three of them gasped, Teyla uttering a small cry. They were greeted with a room that had been torn apart; furniture turned over, lamps broken, the drapes pulled down. They could hear the sound of water running coming from the bathroom; Ronon ran toward the sound.

Within seconds, he yelled back at them, "Teyla, call Keller. Rodney, find a blanket and get in here!"

As Rodney ripped the blanket from Sheppard's bed, he could hear Teyla calling for Keller to come to the colonel's quarters. Running into the bathroom, he stopped at the threshold, his heart beating in his throat. Ronon was turning off the water, and then gently rolled a ghostly pale John Sheppard over on his back. When he saw the gash across Sheppard's left wrist, he felt faint. He handed Ronon the blanket and Ronon wrapped Sheppard as best he could, gently picked him up and brushed past Rodney, taking Sheppard toward the bed. He could hear Ronon and Teyla talking to Sheppard, trying to wake him up but he was rooted to the spot, staring at the shower floor. Thin streaks of blood had settled into the lines between the tiles, a broken piece of shelf lying on the floor.

"Oh no…no, no… he tried to kill himself." Rodney held on to the door and tried to get the courage to turn around. He stood there for a few more seconds when he heard Teyla calling his name.

"Rodney, get some towels and there should be another blanket in the closet."

He quickly did what Teyla asked and took them to her. Sheppard was nearly the color of the pale blue sheets on his bed; there were dark circles under his eyes, his skin cold and clammy to the touch.

"Is he alive?" Rodney's voice was shaking. Teyla was trying to dry Sheppard's face and hair.

Ronon grunted, throwing away a wet towel and picking up a dry one to finish drying Sheppard's legs, "Yeah, but he's cold."

They could hear the sounds made by the wheels of a gurney coming closer and within seconds, Dr. Keller, Marie, and two EMT's entered Sheppard's quarters. Teyla and Ronon moved back from the bed, Ronon dragging Rodney with him. Ronon quickly informed Keller how he found Sheppard in the shower with cold water running over his torso, a cut on his wrist. Keller did a quick once over and had the EMT's place the colonel very gently on the gurney; once they had him strapped in, Marie began to put in a needle hub as Keller called back to the infirmary.

"I need two bags of saline warmed up and a lot of warm blankets ready when we arrive with the colonel. Get two units of blood ready for him in case we need it and he'll need a head scan. We'll transport in a couple of minutes."

"Jennifer, is he going to be OK?"

"Rodney, I don't know yet. His body temp is a shade below 93° and his breathing and heart rate are slow. I don't know how bad his head injury is and he's lost a lot of blood. Let us get him to the infirmary so that we can find out."

"Jennifer…" Rodney's voice was shaking.

"Rodney, we're going to take good care of him, I promise." With that, the medical team left with their patient, Teyla with them.

Rodney grabbed Ronon's arm and held him back, "Ronon, I think he tried to kill himself; why would he do that? Why didn't one of us stay with him?"

"McKay, I know how it looks but we aren't going to tell anyone that we think that. If Sheppard wants to tell, that's OK, but we aren't, understand, little man."

Rodney nodded; Ronon's large hand squeezed his shoulder and they hurried to the infirmary.

* * *

Rodney was pacing and no amount of pleading by Teyla could get him to sit down. They had been waiting for nearly an hour to hear something and Rodney was getting impatient. Jennifer had allowed them into the trauma bay, knowing that she couldn't keep them out without the aid of the Marines and they weren't going to help. The medical staff first worked to get Sheppard's body temperature up and once Jennifer was satisfied that they had turned that corner, she sent Sheppard to the Ancient scanner to evaluate his head injury.

"That's it; I am going to go check on him." Before Teyla could stop him, Rodney strode into the scanning room.

He walked up to Jennifer, "I want to know how he is, now."

"Rodney, I was just coming out, OK. Let us get him back on the bed and we'll bring him out." She motioned for Rodney to go ahead but he didn't budge. Jennifer just shook her head and turned back to her patient.

"Dr. Keller, he's ready." Jennifer looked up at USAF medic Sergeant Leon "Little J" Jones, all 6' 7", 250 pounds of him, and nodded. Sgt. "Little J" as he was known around Atlantis had taken a strong liking to Colonel Sheppard and he would not let anyone else transport or assist the colonel when he was in the infirmary. He wheeled Sheppard into the trauma bay where Ronon and Teyla along with Richard Woolsey were waiting. Dr. Keller, Rodney in tow, walked over to talk to the rest of Sheppard's team.

"First, he is not in any critical danger at the moment and I do not expect any changes. He has lost a lot of blood and has a moderate concussion. We managed to get his body temp up as well as his blood pressure and his breathing is much better. However, his heart rate is still a bit irregular but stabilizing, we still have him on some heart meds but his heart should be fine. Dr. Frankin is going to sew up his wound now. " She looked at them and said, "We need to talk. Come with me, Marie and Little J are with him, he'll fine for a few minutes without you."

Jennifer led them out into the waiting room and motioned for them to sit down. She sighed and seemed uncomfortable; Woolsey realizing Jennifer was having a difficult time asking the question asked it himself. "Do any of you know what happened with Colonel Sheppard this evening?"

Teyla spoke up, "We all know that John has been very upset about the anniversary of Dr. Weir's death. He has not been himself today. However, we do not know what happened between the post-mission briefing and when we found him in his quarters."

Woolsey leaned back in his chair, "Dr. Keller noted the condition of the colonel's quarters. He obviously had some sort of anger issue. He did quite a bit of damage to the furniture and items in there. Then you find him with a pretty serious cut on his left wrist. You've been with him for the last three days; do you think that Colonel Sheppard was distraught enough to attempt to end his suffering?" Woolsey waited, he was certain that neither Ronon nor Rodney were going to take his speculation well.

Rodney was the first to blow, "What the hell are you saying, Woolsey? Are you asking us if John tried to kill himself? How the hell would we know?" With a little less confidence, he asked, "You didn't find a note did you?"

"No, I didn't but we did look for one." It was then that Sheppard's teammates realized that Dr. Ross Warren, the new base psychologist had joined them. Rodney was livid and he jumped up from his chair, moving toward Warren.

"What the hell did you get him for, Sheppard doesn't need a shrink; we'll take care of him."  
Rodney's face was flushed with anger; afraid that he would lose complete control, Teyla rose and slipped between the two doctors.

"Rodney, we know that John has been very upset for a while and we do not know what provoked him to be angry enough to take it out on his quarters. Please calm down, Rodney; no one is going to harm John. Everyone here wants to help him get through this."

Dr. Warren, tall with dark blond hair, grey-blue eyes, and a very calm demeanor, spoke quietly, "Dr. McKay, neither I nor Mr. Woolsey are asking in any official capacity here. We both know the consequences for Colonel Sheppard if he should have had some 'thoughts'. Our mistake was to not tell you that before we began this conversation. Atlantis needs the colonel and I suspect that he needs Atlantis as well but most of all he needs his friends. None of what we discuss will be in any record or report. Dr. Keller, Mr. Woolsey and I all agree on that. We want to survive here and I personally think having Colonel Sheppard around will increase those odds."

"Oh, well, that's good then. I see that we all just want what is best for John." Rodney sat back down.

"That's all we want, doctor. Perhaps it was simply an accident; after all, usually you find both wrists slashed in these situations. Regardless, I want to help the colonel if I can. I know he can be stubborn but perhaps you can help persuade him to meet with me when he recovers."

"Dr. Warren, thank you; I believe you are correct. Regardless of the events of this evening, John needs to talk about this. We will try to have him speak with you." Teyla had her arm around Rodney as she spoke. Dr. Warren smiled at her and with a nod to the rest of the group, he left.

* * *

Rodney was standing on the dark infirmary balcony, his hand extended beyond the canopy to feel the warm gentle rain that was falling. He hadn't been warm since they had found Sheppard four hours ago and he was relishing the tingle in his body that the warm rain was causing as the spray hit him. He wanted to be dancing in the rain, letting it cover him in warmth.

He was well aware of what they were all thinking, especially Woolsey and Warren; after seeing the destruction John had done to his quarters, they believed that John had reached a breaking point and perhaps couldn't go on. Not for a minute, did he believe that; not for one minute.

Rodney knew that John's moral compass was too strong to end his own life and his dedication to the Atlantis personnel too strong. He would never leave them voluntarily; it was not his nature. But regardless, he was going to protect Sheppard from anyone who wanted to think otherwise.

He reluctantly left the warmth of the balcony and returned to Sheppard's bedside. Ronon was sitting in a chair, his long legs stretched out, arms crossed, his eyes never leaving Sheppard. Rodney sat down in the chair next to him not sure if he should ask Ronon what he thought but he decided to risk it; he wanted to know. However, Ronon asked him first.

"So, you think he tried, McKay?"

"No, do you?" Rodney watched Ronon's stoic face.

"No, he wouldn't leave us. Want some coffee?"

Rodney smiled, "Oh yes, I would love some." Ronon nodded and left Rodney alone with Sheppard.

John's skin color had improved, it was no longer a pale blue but a pale pink; his breathing was much easier and looking at the monitor, Rodney could tell that his heart rate was normal. He hoped that they weathered the latest storm but he was worried. What if he and Ronon were wrong and John had decided he couldn't deal with the pain and guilt any longer? This was his entire fault; it wasn't Sheppard's and he was just going to have to find a way to make him understand. Rodney leaned forward, resting his head in his hands as he tried to figure out how they had gotten to this point.

"Hey…it's not…that bad, is…it?" Rodney head jerked up to see Sheppard looking at him, his green eyes were heavy-lidded but he was awake.

"Hey, John, how do you feel?" Rodney was standing by the bed.

"Not sure; how the hell…did I…uh …end up in…here? Thirsty…"

Rodney reached for the little pitcher full of ice and placed an ice chip in Sheppard's mouth. "You don't remember what happened?" Sheppard shook his head while he was sucking on the ice chip.

"Wait…I remember…drinking way too much…masut, then… a couple of beers…then I got really pissed off and I think I might have…trashed my quarters. Did I?" When Rodney nodded yes, Sheppard closed his eyes, "Well, that…was mature…John. I guess…I calmed down and decided to…take a shower."

"That's where we found you, in the shower with the cold water running. You were pretty cold, mild hypothermia Jennifer said."

"I…I think…I got dizzy when I started to turn on the water…started to fall over and I …grabbed for that shelf thing…" He raised his left hand to scratch his chin and saw the bandage.

"What…hap'n to my arm?" He was getting tired.

"You cut it on the shelf that was broken away from the wall. Do you remember cutting your wrist, John?"

Sheppard turned his head toward Rodney, "Cut…my wrist…I don't know…" He focused on Rodney as best he could and he realized that Rodney was asking not if he remembered cutting his wrist but did he 'cut' his wrist. He dropped his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. He didn't say anything for a moment except to ask for another piece of ice. He sucked on it and then waited for a second before he opened his eyes.

"You…guys…found me in the…shower, with my…uh…wrist cut, room…trashed, you think I did this…um…on purpose." He turned toward Rodney and was surprise to see Rodney's eyes full of tears. Rodney very quietly said yes.

"No…Rodney…no, I didn't…I didn't…I got dizzy and must have fallen, breaking the shelf. I didn't…" He closed his eyes again wondering how he could have gotten so far gone that his friends thought he might want to kill himself. The funny thing was that had never occurred to him.

He looked back at Rodney, "I did…go a bit nuts but…I decided that…um…I needed to talk to you and…Teyla…and Ronon. I needed to come…to terms with...the fact that…I …uh…couldn't…prevent …what happen to Elizabeth. I wanted to stop…feeling guilty. I was…uh…taking a shower before…I went looking for…all of…you."

Rodney's eyes were still moist but he was smiling, "So, this was just an accident; you…you really wanted to talk to us?"

Sheppard attempted a smile but it came out like a little half-grin, "Yeah; not…getting rid of me…that easily, geek-boy."

"Rodney, why didn't you tell me he was awake?" Jennifer and Little J had hurried to Sheppard's bed, Marie right behind them and one look from Little J sent Rodney backing up.

"He didn't do that, Jennifer; he didn't." He was smiling, tears in his eyes and saw Jennifer's eyes tear up as well as she smiled back at him and nodded. She turned to talk with her patient and Rodney went to find Ronon and Teyla to share the news.

* * *

The next afternoon, Dr. Keller allowed Sheppard to accompany Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla to the infirmary balcony. It was still raining; a warm gentle rain and they were all sitting in lounge chairs pushed against the wall under the canopy.

Sheppard was covered by a blanket, Jennifer was still concerned about maintaining his body temperature, and he was enjoying the hot coffee and cake that Teyla had brought. He knew they were all waiting for him to bring up the events of last night, so he did.

"Listen, uh…I want you to know that I understand why you thought I might have tried to do myself in but I swear that never entered my mind."

"John, we just we worried that we couldn't help you."

"You couldn't help me because I wouldn't let you. I accept that I am the one who couldn't come to terms with things. Look, I spoke to Warren this morning and I can't say I enjoyed it but he's pretty cool and I just want to say that I understand better."

"Sheppard, you don't owe us an explanation," Ronon told his friend quietly.

"I know, big guy. What I want to say, especially to you Teyla, is that I do understand, now, that I couldn't prevent what happened to Elizabeth. Too many things happened at once. That doesn't mean I still don't grieve for her and all the others we've lost or that I don't feel responsible still. But I can't let that consume me, too much ahead of us; I have to let the overwhelming guilt go.

"We are glad, John. We all share that grief and guilt but remember, we share it, it is not one person's to bear alone." Teyla smiled at Sheppard and Rodney punched him in the shoulder.

"So, did I really trash my quarters?" Sheppard made a squeamish face.

Rodney laughed, "Yep, it's going to take you forever to get that cleaned up."

Sheppard leaned his head back on the lounge chair, closed his eyes, and quietly said, "Crap."

Looking at Teyla and Ronon, smiling, Rodney decided not to tell Sheppard that his grunts and geeks were busy repairing the damage in his quarters while they were enjoying the afternoon on the balcony. Rodney just sat back, picked up his coffee mug and listened to the warm, gently falling rain.

_Fin_


End file.
